Stream Of Consciousness

Hello. My name is David Jonsson. I am Deaf.

I am blogging about my Deafhood- my journey in this life, being in this sensory perceiving body that detects vibrations. Normalcy is enemy of diversity. Let me be. Hearing Aids and technology is fine, but don’t control ME with it. It is a tool for ME.. for ME to detect the vibrations I choose. If you insist on me hearing you, then speak my language. Don’t make me listen to yours. And all this punctuation and complete sentences.. I’m tired of it. I need my own language to express who I am. Visual.

I heard that faith cometh by hearing, and knowledge by seeing.

What else? nothing. Who I am is not to be judged on the basis of my acquisition or my ability to process and consume your information. I speak of ‘your’ because 99.99% of all people my whole life until maybe 2 years ago have been hearing and speaking folks. So I never had confirmation or validity for my perspective, the Deaf-center.. until the internet. So the channel is what allowed the information. Hearing aids my whole life connected me, then internet broadened the range.

Fine. So now what? nothing. I am here, now. This moment has value enough that I can publish my stream of consciousness. What am I saying? nothing. I’m OK with that.. just clicking away on these letters.. creating feelings and energy.. producing.. something. But what? who cares. Why? why not. The function of my post is to feel like I did something. I worked. I.. AM.

Im glad I got fired from my last job.. actually I quit but I didn’t tell them. They were fucking Audist. Wanna hear about it? As brief as I can: I requested texting accommodation and was denied. Furthermore, they insisted that not only I call, but I have to go through an extra hoop and be on phone longer. Essentially speak to the manager just to inform them I’m not coming in. My ears hurt. They didn’t believe me. The denied my request for leave of absence. But then lied about that to the Investigator with EEOC, because I filed a Complaint of Discrimination. Anyway.. so then the fuckin Civil Rights Department decides NO Probable Cause in favor of Respondent. So hearing people defending hearing people. I am still alone. We need Deaf Politics. Deaf people defending Deaf people. I joined NAD. Perhaps I will re-engage them on the situation.

I joined Deaf Club and they all understand my situation- like it’s an everyday thing and suddenly I feel like, you know what, fuck it, im cool. Its all good because Im not the only one. Does Google give my blog a lower ranking for not including apostrophe? How do I make that plural? ASL is better in many regards. Why did they not teach me? I feel denied. I’m not trying to play victim. I am victim.. to Audism, Oralism, Mainstreaming, isolation, ethnocide, epistemic violence, economic oppression, employment discrimination, etc. Don’t fucking tell me this isnt a reality. I must trust how I feel is real for me.

But I AM moving on.. but not for you. I am letting go for me. So I can have peace and just live my life. I don’t want to fight the system.. but I can tell my story and maybe it will make the next generation of Deaf culture a little more accepted because of an understanding I was able to convey. Besides, I can’t keep it all in.

I AM angry. Does that scare you? good. Im standing up, because Im tired of cowering and appeasing and catering to your need to be heard. I hereby put my attention where I choose. Im tired of lipreading and actively listening and not being appreciated for the extra energy I put in and you cant even face me when I need to see you to understand you? You insist on making me use phone when Im standing in your office. You offer me TTY and I have never used that. I’m telling YOU what I need to communicate. Like a ramp for wheelchair, I need texting, not voice. Fuck it. Im done.

barefoot runner, deafhood advocate, holographic projection, off-grid aspirant
david@brotheryellow.com

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About David Jonsson

barefoot runner, deafhood advocate, holographic projection, off-grid aspirant david@brotheryellow.com
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5 comments
Katelyn
Katelyn

Excellent article. I, too, have walked your path. Though I am NOT completely deaf, I am around 87% deaf in both ears, 11% hearing. I've never landed a job before. No one in my area wants to deal with someone who needs help or extra attention to communicating. I've also never been introduced to the deaf community. I just recently met my very first deaf person through my first year of college just last week. I was never fully taught to speak in ASL. I am barely intermediate, so I cannot communicate with my new friend. She reads lips, just like I. You and I, and every other deaf person is a pro at lip reading. Being in college now, I can't turn my head around like an owl, trying to keep my eyes glued to the teacher's lips. Some people even get a little creeped out by watching you read their lips, and they start to turn away while talking. These people do not understand our needs. Another problem I have, is with my dream career. I want to be a music producer. Be a record label.. which includes the training of your ears. Many professionals have told me while growing up, that I should stay AWAY from music, thus will damage my ears., which doesn't even really matter, because I'm supposed to be completely deaf by my late 20s-30s. What's keeping me from fulfilling my big dream? The most important people in my life: friends, family, fiance and his family. I'm to the point to where I'm not even sure if I want to even try anymore. They're telling me all these things I wanna do and be, I can't. I wanted to be a military travel photographer- Military told me I can't, because I wouldn't be able to hear whats going on around me. They tell me that I can't even do a simple job such as Customer Service, because "I will not be able to communicate with the customers." Why is there such a very small, narrow list of opportunities for the deaf and hard of hearing? It out-rages me. Thank you for reading my rant, lol. Your blog motivated me to speak up. Thank you. Katelyn.

David Jonsson
David Jonsson

thank you for sharing! it encourages me to keep blogging. to know others have experienced what we perceive as real for ourselves is validating. Mainstreaming and Oralism kept Deaf people apart, and the notion of Hard of Hearing, too. We are all Deaf. funny how people cant conceive how Deaf can enjoy music too.. in fact I think we have unique perceptions that are an asset to the world. we are a diversity, not a disability. Just be yourself and do what you can. The Universe will circulate energy back to you to meet all your needs. I get pissed too about job situations. Nobody understands what it is like trying to work with hearing people and they dont appreciate the Deaf perspective. oh well, we just keep on keepin on.. movin to the beat... do you have any music online?

David Jonsson
David Jonsson

Thank you! the internet has allowed me to meet Deaf people for the first time in my life.

Katelyn
Katelyn

No, I don't have any music up online. I don't know where to begin.