Deaf Food

Noisy-restaurant-1I want to be Deaf so I can minimize my interactions with hearing society to an amount whereby I can sustain a peaceable existence with my well being and centeredness.

I am used to hearing aids as machine interface to interaction so its an easy step to do Google Hangouts for example.. internet as communication/ highway.
For Being Deaf, its the most conducive. A job at a place with people.. lipreading is too difficult for me. I am best on digital interface, the great equalizer.

Today Im gonna default to doing nothing, except getting centered in peace. I could boil pasta then barefoot run. I just want a simple life with alot of cash. I have yet to establish an ideal Deaf way to get my food easily, without alot of interaction. Im tired of listening and speaking to get my food.

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New Tube For Hearing Aid Mold

hearingaidtubeI think the hearing aid industry is a racket. I have behind-the-ear devices and they connect to ear mold via a rubber tube. One had split thereby not allowing the BTE to connect properly to the mold. Obviously, the amplified/digitally processed sound was not getting into my ear without leakage. Furthermore, I ran the risk of loosing the hearing aid if it fell off ear, being that it was not securely connecting to tube to hold it in.

That being said, back to the point of the conspiracy theory of hearing aid industry.. I could not for the life of me get my hands on this simple little tube. As if it were a damn regulated pharmaceutical that needs to be kept out the hands of ignorant consumers. I dont need a damn audiologist to get a stupid plastic tube. I literally spent hours over the last few weeks calling suppliers and providers and local retailers and everybody was giving me attitude treating me like I dont have authority over my own body. They were condescending and rude. They would interrupt me and ‘correct’ me telling me why I am not authorized to buy parts for a product I own.

Honestly, this is why I quit wearing hearing aids for over 10 years. I grew up with hearing aid and all the audiologists in my experience were so patronizing and paternalistic. If you buy a car and want to fix it, you buy the parts and nobody can tell you no. And you fix it yourself if you want. The hearing aid industry should not treat its consumers like we are unable to fix our own ‘cars’. They just want to seem self-important to protect their jobs. But that is not in the best interest of hearing aid users. As evidenced by the fact that I quit hearing aids for 10 years.

So, eventually, I did procure aforementioned little thing. I hereby give kudos to the man who hooked me up with the devices in the first place. Dan Schwartz. I found him on Facebook. I liked his posts and he did not seem audist. I appreciated that respected my ability to decide for myself how I want to move forward with hearing aids. He did not treat me like a patient, but a human with volition and agency to control the process and feel empowered regarding my ears. Thanks Dan! I would not be wearing hearing aids if it were not for you. The hell with pretentious distributors and their white coats, credentials, and fancy offices. Burn in the fiery pit of eternal damnation for your sins against Deaf.

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Government Fails Deaf

One time he said, “…its a simple question.”
Then I said, “I just didnt hear you, its not a matter of simple question, dont make me feel like an idiot!” He insulted my intelligence.

Later I said, again, “I’m Deaf.”
But then he says, “but you are talking to me on the phone”. Basically calling me a liar.

This was interaction with government agency for unemployment insurance, which I could only get by doing a telephone interview to determine if I qualify. I felt interrogated and accused by guy asking me questions. This was after loosing my damn job over communication issues. That employer decided to deny my unemployment benefits.

I’m tired of people not accepting my deafness. I feel alone. And government systems like ADA to protect me is not working, and I dont want to fight anymore. Im done.

Im going back into real estate investing. For the past few months I have sent yellow letters to people who have inherited property. I give them my google voice number to leave me a message. If they are motivated to sell, I call them back. We meet at the house and I give them an offer. I just had my first offer accepted last week. So now I am looking to assign the deal to a cash buyer, who will then have the right to buy the property. The buyer will pay me an assignment fee for my equitable interest in the contract. The value I create is liquidity. Someone wants to sell, someone wants to buy. I can wholesale that, if I choose not to buy it myself.

Fun stuff. I’ll let you know how it goes.

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Coffee Holographic Deafhood and Cats

Im going to try something new and blog my stream of consciousness.. actually Ive done it before. See? That is the beauty of typing my thoughts, or, the thoughts, that pass thru my mind. I started this blog I guess back when the real estate market crashed and I decided to get into internet marketing. So, naturally, start a blog, right? Fine. It was about coffee. Then I got into writing about Holographic Universe. Aaaaand…now…my Deafhood.

But, if I may, and because I can, which is the same thing, I suppose, but besides the point? or is it the point. The point. Point is a fun word to type. The P, O, and I are all next to each other on the keyboard. See? This is what I’m getting at by just writing like Im going for a walk in the park. Sure there is the path, but you can go to the water, or whatever.. point being, haha, that I am writing for the sake of writing, right? And, maybe you didnt guess it, but I wrote “right” because it literally rhymes with “write”. Writing about writing, the mechanical flow of the fingers, surfing over the keys, the sound, if you hear it.

Speaking of which, hearing the keys clack.. shall we get into it? The Deafhood? Yes, I shall indulge. Or not. Im watching my cat lick her fur, as she sits on the radiator heater, half hidden behind the green chair, that she has claimed by scratching it, as evidenced by the shredded fabric. Her eyes match the green. Her half-closed eyes and head held low, to avoid my active energy. Cats are so centered. Its all good.

So anyway, fuck it. So I dont fucking hear. I wish I knew that. That would explain everything. But by being labelled “Hard-of-Hearing”, that takes away some of my rightful claims as a member of the Deaf clan, no? But I’ll never be Hearing. Therefore… go reason.. wouldnt it make sense that eventually I would figure out who I am? And consequently be somewhat pissed that it took so long for me to figure it out? That nobody told me. It was like a big lie, a big cover-up. They figured if I think Im hearing, I’ll act hearing. But the problem is, when I fail to hear. Then Im in trouble. Y’know?

Oh well. So I guess thats it for today. I dont want to bitch and moan. I acknowledge it, and let it go. Move on.

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Angry Deaf Man

Yes, Im frustrated. Living a lie. Acting hearing when Im not. Conditioned and mainstreamed to identify as something I’ll never be. Only to appease the dominant culture of Audist population. They judged me as being HOH and decided to pull me into the world of hearing people even tho I will never be completely hearing and never have total communication access. Always at a disadvantage, but never allowed to be excused for misunderstanding. Never permitted leeway. They always want me to wear devices, lipread, and repeat to confirm. Im sick + fuckin tired of wasting valuable intellectual time trying to hear. Always repeating to confirm instead of moving forward in dialogue, contributing my ideas.

Fuck you Audists. Im tired of this game. Dead fucking sick + fucking tired. I quit, quit, quit! Id rather be fucking dead than continue to live in the hearing world forever condemned to a dialogue of guessing, repeating, and never understanding fully. I deserve access to information. I was denied my rights as an oppressed linguistic minority. I am at an economic disadvantage, and yet, society does not accommodate me. They put me on probation, fire me, fine me, mace me, incarcerate me and all these years I thought the issue was my attitude or insubordination. When in fact, the problem was Audism related to my Deafness, which I was denied the right to identify with.

Im angry. Im militant. Fuck you if you are offended. Im the one who has had to live this life of oppression. Poverty. Rejection. Frustration. Abuse. I am Deaf. This is MY story. Dont tell me what I am. Now is time for me to tell you who I am. You have lied to me. Every single one of you fucking people in my whole life. With the exception of a few.

When society decided to give me hearing aid(s) and not go to Deaf School or whatever, they were Audist. They judged Deaf Way as undesireable and Hearing as better. They are guilty of epistemic violence by preventing me from identifying with my culture. I was colonized and my body was violated. Then in high school track when I had to cut hair, they again let my body be subjected to authorities abuse. They did not defend me. They only cared about themselves and what would be easiest for them. They didn’t want to defend my rights. My right to be Deaf, my right to have long hair. This is my body. Why did you let medical and educational institutions violate me? All those doctors, teachers, preachers, and cops all violated me and nobody defended me. This is my life, this is my story, this is how I feel, and fuck you if you dont want to acknowledge my reality.

Im not gonna say lies to make you feel better. This is my life. If how I feel now makes you feel bad, well tough shit. Ive spent my whole life, the past 40 years, trying to be what you wanted: Hearing and participating in hearing world. Fuck you for not letting me be me. Fuck you for judging me for who I am and not giving me access to Deaf peers, Deaf mentors, Deaf language, Deaf culture. Im a fish out of water and you kick me while I gasp dying. I ask why do I suffer and you say because I have a bad attitude, or I have A.D.D., or because some other bullshit. I tell you now the reason is because I AM DEAF. Get it thru your thick fuckin skull that I am not a hearing person. Period. And Im here to tell you, that, you know what? maybe Deaf is superior.

The problem isnt that I dont hear, the problem is your monoculture, monolingual ethnocentrism which refuses to sign. You create the disability. If everyone signed but you relied only on mere listening and speaking then you’d be the disabled one. I can do anything but because I wasn’t given access to total communication is why I live a life of pain + suffering- and you blame me. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Deafness doesn’t cause my suffering, but rather, lack of accommodation. Being Deaf isnt the problem, but rather, your Audism and Surdophobia that alienates me. You blame the victim when you point the finger at me. Im not the one who caused my problems, you are. I fucking hate you for not accepting me. You think Im a sinner that needed my willpower spanked out of me. You think my failings are my fault. Again, Im a fish out of water and you want me to act like a mammel. Call a spade a spade. Let me be Deaf.

You made me codependent when you gave me hearing devices. Fuck you. If I was in Deaf World, Id be fine. But you tried to mainstream me in Oralism and Im here to tell you that failed. But alot of people in Audist Establishment made money off my body. Now with Cochlear Implants, its only gotten worse. If women have rights over their own bodies to have abortions, Deaf should have rights over our own bodies to NOT be implanted.

Im tired. The only way I will continue this life is if I am able to Be Deaf. I just want to relax, not be so hyper-fuckin vigilant all the time so cops dont mace me and people dont attack me for misunderstanding and not hearing. If I knew I was Deaf, at least i would know why my life is difficult. Its one thing to live a life disadvantaged, and another thing altogether compounded to have to live such a life and not know why I suffer. Hence the epistemic violence.

Hence why Im angry. Hence why I quit trying to be hearing. So hence this you mother fucking assholes who are intolerant and unaccommodating to Deaf People. We have rights, too. Its on. Im gonna fight this ’til I die. The next generation of Deaf deserve to be accepted for who they are. So stop medicalizing and criminalizing linguistic minorities. And stop denying us our right to have access to total communication. Every Deaf/HOH deserves to learn sign language and have Deaf peers + Deaf mentors. Anything less is ethnocide.

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Everyone Should Have Hearing Aids

streets_reading2006I think everybody should have hearing aids, but I would call them Everyday Digital Signal Processors (EDSP’s). Market them to the masses. Be transhuman. Its like a cellphone or ipod music directly in ear. And you can mute out the loud external distracting noises for better listening experience. There are many reasons.

Traditionally, they are used to ‘help the deaf hear’. And unfortunately, at the expense of not learning ASL, which one can have 100% access to language. But I am an expert because I have worn hearing aids my whole life since 5 years old.

Sound studies is how I approach the auditory soundscape. I listen from aesthetic perspective. How can I control what I hear? Noise cancel that frequency. Noise compress this level. Amplify the high end. Mute. Direct audio stream favorite podcasts and music. Adjusting levels between external mics and in-ear mics, etc..

I am not always just only trying to hear what you say. (Doesn’t mean I dont love you, but paying attention, active listening, and lipreading takes alot of energy). Sometimes I want to cut out the road noise and industrial hums, like HVAC systems and large blowers and fans and motors, etc..

So, although hearing aids and DSP’s ‘help me hear’ the spoken language, sometimes, but not in certain situations such as groups, the point I want to make it that there is a larger demographic than just ‘hearing impaired’. Perhaps these nifty little devices can be marketed as tools for musicians and artists, that kind of thing.. newscasters and sports commentators wear in-ear monitors.

The disability model of consumer demographic is offensive. And marketing them as ‘discrete’ hearing aids you can hide and they are so small nobody will notice, implies we are not proud to wear them. Offensive to sell me something I should hide? I want to be proud of the product I bought. I want to show it off.

Market them as something cool. Performing musicians wear them on stage. FBI agents and other spying authorities wear them. I can be like google glass for ears. It is about access to information, sonic vitamins, and blocking out noise pollution.

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True Listening

chihuahuacroppedWhat does listening mean? (from Robin Grille’s post):

“The listening I am talking about here is not just about receiving and storing information, not just about remembering what your child said. I am talking about listening with your heart, not just with your ears. Real listening is all about feelings. All you need to be a good listener is a genuine interest in your child’s emotional world. When you truly want to hear, no special skill is needed. Your child senses your interest in the tone of your voice, in your body language and the look in your eyes. You know you have listened when you feel moved. You might feel compassion, protectiveness, you might feel some pain about your child’s hurts, pride or excitement about his achievements, or joy to meet his joy. Listening means letting yourself feel touched somehow, and being aware of the feelings that move through you.”

and from Oliver Sacks account of aphasia vs. agnosia (from chapter 9, The President’s Speech, of The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat):

natural speech does not consist of words consists of utterance- the understanding of which involves infinitely more than mere word recognition.
…spoken language is normally suffused with ‘tone’, embedded in an expressiveness which transcends the verbal
…meaning may be fully grasped even when every word is missed
…sensitive to ‘tone’ and feeling
one cannot lie to an aphasiac. He cannot grasp your words, and so cannot be deceived by them; but what he grasps he grasps with infallible precision, namely the expression
preternaturally sensitive…understanding without words…undeceived and undeceivable by words
meaning without words…the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures, false tones and cadences of voice
…word-deaf, but enhanced sense of tone
We recognise this with dogs… they pick up on falsehood… but people (hearies) are so susceptible to words

(perceive everything as) computerized voice… reduce speech to pure words
expressive qualities of voices disappear- their tone, their timbre, their feeling, their entire character- while words (and grammatical constructions) are perfectly understood.
Since voices lacked expression, she had to look at peoples faces, their postures and movements when they talked
required interlocutors that they speak prose -’proper words in proper places’… compensate for lack of perceived tone or feeling.
(s/he is) lost with ‘evocative’ speech (where meaning is wholly given in the use and sense of tone).
also cant pick up on visual cues (one’s expressions, one’s gestures, one’s entire, largely unconscious, personal repertoire and posture..

So what I get from Oliver Sacks here is comparison of two types of communication processing. Aphasiacs are like Deaf people because we understand meaning beyond words, which is True Listening. And the fact that words cannot deceive us is why ASL is a threat to Oralist agenda, whose emphasis is on being Agnosiatic (words instead of feelings). They want us to just pay attention to actual words verbatim, so they can lie to us easier. Speaking and Listening advocates are hellbent on words being understood. You cannot deceive as well nonverbally. That is why it is known that Deaf people seem blunt, honest, direct.

We understand on a different level. It is a spectrum. We are a linguistic minority. We have valuable asset to contribute to diverse language landscape. Making Deaf people process communications verbally with specific words understanding takes away the natural predisposition to nonverbal, which is a deeper meaning.

and from Source Field Investigations by David Wilcock:

-All of Nature is In a Constant “Conversation” (Backster Effect).
-Every living thing is intimately attuned to its environment.
-Source Field is not electromagnetic.
-Every living thing in nature is listening to everything else.
All living things- bacteria, plants, insets, animals, birds, fish, and humans- are in some form of constant communication with one another. This communication involves the use of a field that is not supposed to exist- because it cannot be found in the conventional EM spectrum of visible light, radio waves, infrared, microwaves, x-rays, and others, as all living things are sharing a psychic attunement with one another.

So, The Deaf Way teaches us to trust in Source Field, not EM spectrum (sound waves). Deaf are more conscious of feelings/ Age of Aquarius?

I think Deaf people listen better than hearing people because we are active listeners.
here is another article, by Rich Maggiani, to sum up True Listening:
…we look at the person talking, smile, nod our head, lean forward, show we are thinking, show we are engaged.
…True listening means seeing beyond the words, engendering trust, and establishing an emotional personal connection. See beyond the words. The nonverbal part of communication often expresses more than the actual words themselves
…look behind or between the meaning of the words being spoken
…true listening engages your eyes and heart.

Be Deaf and truly listen.

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Being Deaf Stresses Me Out

defcon-4 Well today I dont care. Being Deaf everyday stresses me out. Its an unresolvable ‘problem.’ I feel like this constant ongoing never ending tension of potential conflict which continues to manifest day after day (Defcon 4- Above normal readiness, double take, increased security measures). All my interactions with hearing people are fraught with unease and uncertainty. I dont have complete access to speaking/ hearing language.

ASL, however, I can master. I look forward to it and therein is my hope, that I will someday be able to communicate with ease, with peace, with certainty, with a happy heart that enjoys and looks forward to interactions, instead of dreading the inevitable straining of trying to hear and listen so I dont get into trouble.

Im further pissed due to the fact that all the trouble Ive had my whole life has been attributed to rebellion, attitude, insubordination, A.D.D., criminality, deviance of negative nature, and every other bad attribute assigned to someone who neglects to submit to the expectations of hearing people who spew words at me demanding ‘proper’ response without verifying if message received.

I have been held accountable to all the speaking people for not hearing everything as if I were intentionally negligent. I have been punished. I was forced to wear hearing aids and assumed to be fixed with no further attention to the matter except that I have to do all the work in two way communications.

The social ignorance (dysconscious? audism) is the result of epistemic violence from audist establishment claiming authority over Deaf people. They identify us as disabled and claim to have a cure. If we aren’t fixed, they blame us. School, church, cops, courts, parents, stores… everyone everywhere conspires against me to disallow me to be Deaf. Any accommodation is my responsibility. They expect me to listen, lean forward, strain my neck, lipread, focus, pay attention, try harder, sit up front, etc.

And its rude to ask people to repeat themselves. They prefer I pretend to understand so they are not interrupted, yet if I fuck up on following the misunderstood, or rather improperly conveyed, instructions, Im in shit creek with high waters. Fuck hearing people.

Im upset that christians act like there is one-way. Their monolingualism, monotheism, missionary conversion mindset that savage heathens need to learn English and confess with their mouths and hear the word of god. The idea that faith comes by hearing. Courts hold hearings.

The metaphors we use discriminate.

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Ban on Sign Language, Article Misses the Point

gavelThis article in Washington Post makes me sick. It portrays Deaf as stupid, slowing down the judicial process, and undeserving of interpreters. It accuses the Deaf girl as “confused” and can’t remember.

They had to “clarify a question that didn’t easily translate into sign language” As if those are reasons to deny accommodation for communication access and rights of the Deaf.

“It requires assistance from five interpreters, including two just to relay questions and answers between lawyers and witnesses…The interpretation process has slowed the pace of the trial”

“At another point, the witness, an 11th-grade girl, seemed confused…Then, as Mead pressed the point, she said, “I do know it happened. I just don’t remember when.”” And the article just ends right there! On the note of discrediting the ‘alleged’ victim. They kept saying alleged to really hammer home the doubt as to legitimacy.

The whole article just makes it seem like some big hoopla is being made by this little advocacy group out of Silver Springs (as if it is fringe or insignificant) instead of coming right out initially and saying National Association of the Deaf! This is serious business here! The judge banned sign language. I don’t care what the details are. There is no excuse or justification to ever deny a Deaf person use of their hands to communicate. Period.

Y’know, and how it goes on saying the deaf are slowing down the whole process and we are all confused and can’t remember things. Fuck you Washington Post! I know a Deaf person would not write an article so Audist as that! You need a Deaf Perspective!

This issue is that the judge discriminated. Yet you want to say how Deaf are affecting “the familiar, back-and-forth rhythm of witness testimony.” You are saying the problem is the victim’s communication style. No. The bigger problem is lack of accommodation for linguistic minorities!

The whole vibe of that article disempowers the plight of the Deaf. We are talking about a victim, who is deaf. But you want to talk about how “The interpretation process has slowed the pace of the trial”. It doesn’t matter if time is affected by accommodating the communication rights of the Deaf.

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I Hate Lipreading

lipreadingI read an article, “Seeing at the Speed of Sound,” by Rachel Kolb and these are my favorite quotes from it:

“EVEN THE MOST skilled lipreaders in English, I have read, can discern an average of 30 percent of what is being said…But 30 percent is also rather unreasonable. How does one have a meaningful conversation at 30 percent? It is like functioning at 30 percent of normal oxygen, or eating 30 percent of recommended calories—possible to subsist, but difficult to feel at your best and all but impossible to excel.”

“When I attempt to function like a hearing person, am I not sacrificing my integrity to a game that I lack the tools to tackle, a game that in the end makes me look slow or stupid?”

“When I lipread, I leave the clarity of sign language behind. I attempt to communicate with hearing people on their terms, with no expectation that they will return the favor.”

“Some days I resent myself. I wonder if I am weak, ashamed or overly anxious to please.”

I enjoyed reading her account of being a lipreader because that what I have been my whole life. And before I got into my Deafhood, I didn’t ever really think about it too much. I certainly didn’t talk to other people about how to cope, because I was alone in the mainstream- which is when they put deaf/hard-of-hearing in regular school with no sign language, only Oral learning with all obligation on me to gather the information in class. Sit up front, straining my neck trying to hear.

They told me to pay attention and lipread. But they muttered the last part as they were walking away and didn’t give me a chance to ask for a repeat, let alone let me feel comfortable asking people to repeat themselves. The hearing aids were supposed to fix me, so if I didn’t hear it was because I wasn’t focusing hard enough, which is essentially insubordination. It was my fault if I didn’t hear, because I’m supposed to lipread and wear my hearing aids.

I hate lipreading. Do you?

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